Yeah, your self questioning monologue where you analyze the fact that you flirt a lot with guys you don’t care about but you are too careful with guys/people you do care about. You know, that one.
How, how, how does he still know me better than I know myself…
Still my #1 most influential person in my life.
For the longest time, I have been trying to fight this ‘battle’. But honestly, WHAT battle? The battle has already been won! And I am living victoriously with Him residing by my side.
All I really needed to do was for me to reconcile and yearn for more of Him.
Duh Hannah, duh!
(:
“If you’re brave enough to say good bye, life will reward you with a new world.”
-Paulo Coelho
Highlights of my past year.
Honestly, what an eventful year! Cannot wait for what God has in store for me in 2013.
He is so amazing. He continues to humble me, teach me and gives me countless opportunities to open my eyes/hearts to so many things.
JOY JOY JOY.
REJOICE!
With that said, I welcome you 2013!
Don’t stay there forever… all by yourself.
The more and more I learn about my own religion, I am starting to realize that He has called us to be together. To work together, to walk this faith together, to pray together, to serve together, to help each other.. And I think that’s the beauty of what I believe in…
That we were never alone, are never alone and will never ever be alone.
Pray that what you’re sincerely seeking for is the right thing to yearn for.
You know, I wished on too many of those for too many people. I wished for present-tense, not past-tense; no more I missed you, I loved you…etc.
Just simply, I miss you. I love you.
And it happened. It’s happening.
Looking back, time is just what I needed. Not stars or flowers…
I’d love to have the ability to take good care of them. Herbs make me smile, and they give me an opportunity to take a deeper breath. Which is nice, you know?
I keep dreaming of losing people.
Even my biggest fear comes to haunt me at night. Sigh. People say dreams come true; but nightmares are dreams too…
I wished on too many of these,
I guess that wasn’t sufficient.
Did I not wish loud enough? How loud can a whisper be?
You should not be with a guy who is better than the others.
But rather,
you should be with someone who makes you a better person.
And obviously, I am still wistfully walking around; hoping to find a guy who would generously do that to me.
And the best part about breathing at this moment
is that I can be myself without thinking that I won’t be loved.
Because they speak your language. Because they understand you even when they don’t. Because on some deep, intrinsic level you just get each other. Because sometimes it seems like they know you better than you know yourself. Because they’ve seen the worst of you and the best; because, regardless of how they hurt you, you still feel an inexplicable trust.
Because you’re afraid. You’re afraid you’ll never be loved like that again; you’re afraid no one else will be in tune with you, your moods, the essence of who you are in this necessary specific way. Because you’re afraid you don’t have the capacity to love anyone like that again; afraid all your love energy is spent, afraid you’re incapable of ever emotionally getting it up for anyone else. Because you’ve never been so vulnerable with anyone else and the thought of even trying makes you feel hopeless and tired.
Because you think this time will be different, think that with all the naiveté of someone proposing marriage to their drug addicted mate hoping that’s the move that will cure them. “This time will be different” — you hear people say that and you roll your eyes so loud you wake up the neighbors but you do exactly the same thing; the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Because you think you can make this work if you try a little harder, if you just push a little more.
Because you believe in it, against your better judgment. Because you think it’s worth it; because you don’t stop to consider the very real possibility that the negatives outweigh the positives. Because you think you owe each other, your history, something still; because you feel inherently bonded and you don’t want to break it. Because you leave logic out of it; because after all, the heart wants what the heart wants and what can you do about that.
Because you live in the past, because you remember who you were once, who they were, and what you had; remember this and want to rewind. Because you think it’s possible to somehow recreate an idealized past in an unsure future. Because you’ve been holding onto the possibility of becoming a whole again for months, for years, safe and protected by the idea that no matter what happens, you’re not alone because of that faint background possibility of Us.
Because you think they’ll change, you’ll change, the circumstances will change; things will somehow mysteriously get better. Because you think this time around you’ll appreciate each other because you know what it’s like to be without. Because Hollywood or literature or God made you believe that love is enough. Because you don’t want to think about the possibility of a world in which it isn’t.
And as much as I want to leave them all behind, I can’t.
How do you betray the ones who shaped you, made you who you are now?
I wish I could see things and feel things like He would.
How He had passion when He saw the homeless, broken people. He didn’t necessarily feel sorry for them, but He had passion. But for me, I feel like my passion derives because I know that I don’t go through the hardships that those people go through - so I feel the need to help them.. because, what? I feel bad for them?
My sympathy and empathy do not collaborate.
Tell me,
fix me.
heal me.
